Reluctance

This will be my last blog post of 2018.

The topic we’re looking at is: hesitation.

I chose this topic because the fear of failure has oftentimes prevented me from starting or executing plans. This thought sprung up as I am approaching sleep training my son, having to create a plan and being consistent. The latter has never been my forte, I’ll admit I can be shaky at times.

On the other hand, the mantra of: ‘don’t use your son as an excuse to not do, use him as a reason to do‘ is pasted to the back of my mind scribbled in half-eaten crayons. I found many excuses this year to not leave situations that were creating a lot of psychological damage and traumatic experiences for my son. The only thing that was consistent was my rationalizing and justifying my staying in toxic situations. I was reluctant to make a move.

I constantly was able to stay put through nonsense, thinking, ‘this will get better’ or ‘after x I’ll be able to get on my feet’. NEVER did I put my foot down and stand for something. This time I didn’t even have a mental health monkey on my shoulder, just being plain lazy (+ having a baby takes up some of my time). I was reluctant to act on warnings of what was to come and flagrant violations.

Many events passed by that I wanted to share about my son’s development, about my own growth, about this and that, but I always found an excuse to not write, to not doodle, to not put my pen on paper. Like everything else in my life, I found a way to have my toe in the pool, but to not fully immerse myself. I can see so many opportunities, events, trips and conversations in my life that I didn’t fully relish. I wasn’t able to truly enjoy them even though they were presented to me and those type of thoughts fester and can turn into nasty weeds of regret.

Now, reflecting on the past year and how it’s ending on a drastically different note than how it began, I can see the direction I want to head in 2019. I can see that I’m finally taking a stand for myself and my family and I’m so overjoyed at the support system that I have. I’m not anywhere near saying 2019 is MY year. That’s silly and unrealistic and not practical at all in goal-making. I’m fully aware that I am in a hole, that’s ok, 2019 will be a year of rebuilding. I am hoping and praying that 2019 will be the year that I find independence, stability and peace.

2019 is my year to lay the foundation to a 2020 of clarity.

My short list of goals for accountability purposes,

for my blog:

  • incorporating more art & travel
  • outreach with other moms
  • more analytical pieces

for myself:

  • finding community in Austin
  • establishing myself in the creative economy
  • being more organized and dependable

Can you sum up your goals into 3 words?

My three would be: focus, consistency, and purpose.

3 thoughts on “Reluctance

  1. Love this! I have never been the type to say, “this is my year.” I also don’t make new years resolutions. I’m just continuing some of the goals I began in 2018. I didn’t know you lived so close. I’m in Houston.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s